My due date is approaching and it sucks.

March 5th. It’s approaching and it sucks.

On July 1st I was chatting with a friend (Katie as some of you know from this very blog) and she mentioned her cramps because of her stupid period. Well you know when friends have the same cycles? Katie & I are like that for some reason, except for that month. Why didn’t I have my period?! That had to be a mistake. It was 4th of July weekend and my business bestie Colleen was coming with her family for the whole weekend, along with about 50 others for a party at our house. There was NO way I could be pregnant and NO way that could alter my party plans for the weekend. So I would just take a quick test to verify what I thought I already knew. I was definitely not pregnant.

And as soon as I could uncomfortably pee on a stick and look down there was the first pink line with the second pink line developing. Out of all of my pregnancies I had never had a pregnancy test show up that dark and that fast! HOLY SHIT! So I did what any panicked person would do and took another. There it was again. Pregnant. What. the. fuck. My husband had just left to run errands for our epic weekend of fun and my business bestie was less than 10min away. What was happening? I was shaking! I called my husband and said, “We have a problem. I’m pregnant.” I honestly don’t even remember his reaction. He was was likely shitting his pants, but trying to keep me calm. He knew I was freaking out. This was not supposed to happen. We were good with 2 kids, man on man, even teams. How could we have 3 kids? How did this actually happen? I mean, I know how it happens, but we were safe that month?! I guess not safe enough. I then called my sister in a frenzy. She tried to calm me down and tell me congratulations. I attempted to regain my composure as Colleen pulled into my driveway with her family. The second she got out of the car I lost it. I hugged her and whispered in her ear, “I’m pregnant.” She was in shock. I was in shock. What just came out of my mouth? My husband got home shortly thereafter smiling and hugged me. He gave me a card that said “Congratulations” to make light of the situation. I’m sure he didn’t know what state I would be in when he arrived. The entire weekend after that was a disaster. I spent over an hour crying in my room at one point texting Colleen Lotz (also one of our awesome K&C writers). I couldn’t walk into a room without bursting into tears. I was the definition of hot mess…minus the hot part. We had our 4th of July party with what felt like a million people, chaos, pretending to drink, and trying to keep my composure though I just wanted to cry.

Finally, Colleen asked me if I was excited at all at the end of the weekend. I said, “Well if something bad happened, then I’d be really sad.” And she comforted me saying that it was because I cared about this little accident already! Just what I needed to get my life together. We had our first dr. appt and saw our little baby. We saw & heard his/her little heartbeat and were told I was due March 5th, but we would schedule our c-section at the end of February. We left with our ultrasound pictures and excitement in our hearts! This was meant to happen.

I had to tell my nanna. My nanna was dying of cancer. She was the strongest woman I knew along with my mother. She was a voice of truth, who wasn’t afraid to be outspoken. She was a sounding board, a friend, and a hard ass. She was a part every special moment of my life and this could not actually be happening to our family, but it was. She was dying and she knew it. She was taking moments to speak to every family member about it and then telling them to “wipe their tears away because she didn’t have time for that shit.” Well when I talked to her of course I burst into tears saying, “I’m pregnant.” She cried with me saying that she was so excited for me. She told me that this could be our one cry together. How could I have a baby that my nanna would not meet? It was not right. We celebrated her life with our entire family while she was still alive! She wanted to have a pizza party and we did just that. After this everything happened very fast and then she was gone. We were all heartbroken.

(Please note: She is likely shaking her head telling me to knock it off for writing about this and including this picture. Sorry nanna, I just love you too much!)

A few weeks later I was telling my sister that I felt like all my pregnancy symptoms were gone and I was either really lucky or something was wrong. Later I was laying on the couch and had some awful cramping. Having other kids I knew about round ligament pain and other discomforts with pregnancy, but this felt different. The doctor told me to try and relax and if I wasn’t bleeding to wait to come in until the morning. I tried to take my mind off of it, but couldn’t. I woke up the next morning and went in to the dr. I told my husband he didn’t need to come hoping that if I tricked my mind everything would be okay. The dr. did a check saying that I was “closed” and everything seemed fine, but let’s do an ultrasound just in case. I hopped up on the table and the ultrasound tech started an ultrasound on my stomach. She was searching and shakily told me my bladder was full and we would attempt an ultrasound “the other way” (for any of you not privy to lady parts). She found the baby, but that sweet heartbeat we heard weeks before was gone. My fears were confirmed and I felt like I couldn’t move. She said, “I’m so sorry.” I tried to snap myself back to reality and replied, “It’s okay”. Just then she said the most memorable thing to me. She said, “No it’s not okay.” Tears burst from my eyes and emotions I didn’t want to feel or know how to feel came pouring out. I texted a crying emoji to my husband, sister, and Colleen while they moved me into another room at the dr’s office. I didn’t want to type or say the words. The dr. came in to comfort me and talk. She told me when the baby seemed to have stopped growing. It was almost to the date of when my nanna died. This gave me a little comfort. She explained what would happen next and suggested with how far along I was that I have a DNC. She scheduled it for the next morning.

I went in with my husband and the hospital staff was beyond comforting and sensitive. I had to get the rigamarole about being put under general anesthesia and was given my gown to change into with socks to keep my feet warm. My nurse was wonderful. She was so sweet and loving. I sat there waiting for them to come take me back. I texted a picture of my socks to my sister to keep me distracted. Then they came to get me. They came to dilate me and remove that little baby that just had a heartbeat from my body.

I woke up sad. I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry. The next day we had family pictures scheduled. These pictures were supposed to be used for a pregnancy announcement. I felt that I still needed to take the pictures and take some wearing my Mama Said Tees Let’s Redefine Normal tee. I needed to talk about it. I needed to relate to other people who have gone through this or would go through this. I needed to get myself put together, but I had no energy. I scheduled to get my hair & makeup done to try and feel pretty. And then the wonderful Cassie from Cassie Rosch Photography arrived. She was calm & comforting. We did pictures together first of just me. I wanted to cry, but held it together as she kept me pleasantly distracted. My sons joined me for pictures afterwards and there were two white butterflies that would not leave us alone. I didn’t think much of it, but kept noticing them. Later that week I asked my sister if she believed that the baby would “go anywhere”. Would I ever meet him/her someday if he/she wasn’t ever born? Is the baby with my nanna? Well I love signs and love the show Tyler Henry Hollywood Medium. On the season premiere he was doing a reading for Melissa Joan Hart. He was connecting with her grandmother and her grandmother said that she was with a little boy that was never born. Melissa Joan Hart didn’t know who in her family had a baby that wasn’t born, but the camera panned to her sister watching from the other room. She was crying and confirming to her mother that she had a miscarriage she never told her family about. That was it. That is what I needed. I knew my baby was with my nanna and it would be okay. Later a friend from growing up told me that white butterflies remind her of her nanna and there it was. Another sign. The two white butterflies dancing around us during our pictures. I immediately felt a sense of comfort rush over me. I would be okay. Everything would be okay.

Now I know not everyone believes in signs & mediums, but it was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I will forever be grateful for those signs. They have brought me so much peace; those signs and these photos. The photos that show me trying to keep a smile despite how I was feeling inside; feeling like my insides had literally just been ripped out. They remind me of the statistic 1 in 4. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. 1 in 4 women walk around looking happy when on the inside they are crushed. 1 in 4 women have a date that pains them to think about. A date that they would have led up to with excitement instead of what if. My due date is approaching and it sucks. I am normal.

xo, Colleen