Well today finally arrived. 40wks. My due date. I woke up with a head cold and raging cramps (go figure). After our typical morning struggle, coffee & a birthday party for A’s classmate we came home just in time for me to boil over at my husband, basically for no reason other than being sad. I tend to bottle up my emotions until I explode and I don’t willingly discuss things at times because I don’t want my family & friends to worry about me or feel sorry for me. However CS sent me an email today about writing through emotions so I guess I’ll do just that.
Last Sunday I sat down after the boys were in bed and realized that I likely would have had my c-section that day. I would have, in a different world, been watching The Oscars from a hospital bed snuggling my little #3! But that wasn’t in the cards for me. Instead I was watching The Oscars from my couch sobbing. The “what if” game got started and I was spiraling down reallllll fast. Suddenly as fate would have it Shirley McClain appeared on the television screen. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t regularly see Shirley McClain like…well no like I never see her except in a movie here & there. Well there she was on The Oscars stage. Why this mattered? Well, my Nanna was Shirley McClain. My sister and I would compare them all the time and tell my Nanna that she had a life twin (personality wise & a distant relative looks wise)! I KNEW it was my Nanna giving me a sign. She was there. Now, if you don’t know the story about my Nanna dying around the same time as me loosing this baby you can read that HERE. Anyways ever since she died I receive signs & messages from her all the time. I am very open to signs and know she is always putting them out there for me to pick up on. So I cried a little more but then tried to talk myself into getting my shit together. Looking back, I’m not sure my pep talk was that great.
It was a long & emotional week. I was seeing so many negatives and finding it so hard to be positive in every aspect of my life. Whether it was my kids, work, health, etc…I couldn’t snap out of it! I even started a gratitude jar because I hated feeling like a miserable human being! The negativity just created more negativity and I told myself I just needed to get to Sunday. Well, now it’s Sunday.
It almost feels like this chapter of my life is finally coming to a close. I’m sad, but this awful countdown leading up to today is finally over which gives me the smallest sigh of relief! People ask if we will have more kids now because of what happened and the truth is, I don’t think of them as one in the same. We never even discussed a 3rd child to begin with. This wasn’t about wanting a baby. This wasn’t about wanting to be pregnant. This baby came to us in every way, shape & form you can say “WTF!? That was not possible!” This was about THAT baby. That heartbeat! That very big surprise and that heart aching disappointment. Having another child won’t magically replace how I felt about this baby and won’t take over it’s spot in my heart as if there is a section titled: 3rd child that only a living child can fill. That baby is a part of my family and always will be until I get to meet him or her someday. Until then I know my Nanna is taking care of my little #3 and I can smile about that.
So it’s time to brush my sad, sorry self off and focus on what I do have in this moment; love. And man, I have a lot of it and I will love you forever & always little baby.
Now here’s where I need your help! My friend Jess told me I should find a way to honor our little babe! She planted a tree for her baby in Heaven and I want to do something to celebrate ours. Anyone have any ideas? I want a reason to smile while thinking about our angel baby rather than filling up with sadness! 💕 Please share any ideas below in the comments to help us find just the right thing to celebrate him/her! And thank you to my amazing family & friends for thinking of us today and reaching out with kind words & special surprises! Validating the feelings of those who have gone through a miscarriage, or any loss for that matter, means so much more than I can say.